FAQ

Who are you?

A young idiot with a BA in English, currently teaching in Japan. If you were hoping for my name, address, Social Security number, or three sizes, you’re out of luck.

Why is your blog called “The Weird Foreigner?” I mean, besides the obvious.

It’s from a mnemonic for remembering exceptions to the “I before E” rule: “the weird foreigner neither seizes leisure nor forfeits height.” And I’m an English teacher living in a foreign country, so look at me, look at me, I’m so clever!

Where do you live?

In a small town on the island of Kyushu, the southernmost major island of Japan. It is very humid here, and full of mosquitoes. I’m sure that narrows it down a lot.

I want to live in Japan too!

That’s not a question. Anyway, I suggest you only undertake this if you really, really love paperwork. In fact, I suggest skipping Japan and playing Douglas Adams’ Bureaucracy instead. It’s much cheaper. This is probably the only joke I will ever make about the paperwork, though, because most good jokes about bureaucracy in general have already been made. Often by Douglas Adams.

Wasn’t that reference a bit esoteric?

Shut up.

You’re a jerk. Anyway, why does the world need another blog written by a foreigner living in Japan? Aren’t there a lot of those already? What makes your daily life so special and interesting?

It doesn’t really, but I’m doing one anyway, largely as an exercise to hone my writing skills (read: actually make myself finish stuff). Anyway, it’s only partly Japan-related writings; part of it is stuff about being a young person living alone for the first time and part of it is just whatever I happen to feel like writing about. And I don’t think there are going to be that many daily-life anecdotes, really.

Actually, I really wanted to read yet another blog about a foreigner living in Japan. Why aren’t there more anecdotes?

Jeez, make up your mind, will you? Anyway, part of it is to distinguish myself from the millions of other similar blogs and part of it is that I’m really paranoid about putting in identifying details lest my co-workers find this or something. And part of it is that that just didn’t end up being what I felt like writing.

Why are you doing an FAQ as the first post in your blog when no one has actually asked you any questions yet?

Shut up.

Seriously, how do you know anyone is going to ask any of these questions?

They seem like basic things people would want to know about. I mean, what else do you think they’d be asking me?

Something in my house smells like old cheese and I don’t know what it is. What should I do?

Have you tried taking out the trash, doing the dishes, and smelling all the dairy in your fridge? If not, do all of these things, and then open the windows for a while and see if the smell goes away. If you have and the cheese smell persists, you are probably being haunted by a malevolent cheese spirit. Contact an exorcist.

Did I leave the gas on?

Yes.

Wasn’t that last question a bit outdated? I mean, who has to turn the gas on and off anymore?

Many Japanese people do. Also people who are living in Japan. I frequently leave the gas on. Thus the answer to the previous question may be projection. Sorry for implying that you were careless.

Don’t worry about it.

Anyway, I highly doubt people are going to be asking me questions like that.

You never know, they might. Or they might ask about different things entirely. I can’t think of everything, you know. Which is why you should’ve waited to do your FAQ until later.

Aren’t you supposed to be asking me questions?

Shut up.

… Let’s just end this here, why don’t we.